


let down my walls (to let you in)

by burglarbilbo



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22823881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burglarbilbo/pseuds/burglarbilbo
Summary: it's been six months since rafael left sonny, with no explanation as to why. now he's back in the precinct and sonny is flooded with six months worth of pain and anger and confusion all over again.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	let down my walls (to let you in)

Rafael Barba is the last person Carisi expects to see when he walks into the precinct. He’s coming to talk to Liv about the case he just wrapped up, when he sees him standing in front of her desk, his back to him. But Carisi would recognize those broad shoulders anywhere, it's unmistakably Rafael Barba. 

Sonny finds himself stopped by the reception desk, briefcase heavy in his now sweaty hand. His heart hammers in his chest, cold shock turning to hot anger in his veins. He thinks back to the last time he saw Raf; six months ago, in their apartment, they’d fought. Raf had seemed out of it, he’d packed with shaky hands and told Sonny nothing of where he was going. That was the last Sonny had seen of his boyfriend. 

He takes a deep breath and continues on his way to Liv’s office. He can’t let old drama get in the way of his work. 

Carisi knocks quietly on the glass, making the barest of eye contact with Barba when they both look up at him. He motions to Liv that he’ll wait outside and she nods at him. 

_“I can’t be here anymore,” Raf said._

_“What? Raf, you’re really scaring me.”_

_“I have to go, Sonny. I have to leave.”_

_“Without me? You’re leaving me,” Sonny said, his question turning into a statement halfway through, realization setting in heavily._

_“I’m sorry.” Raf looked at him one last time and it’s the last time Sonny ever expected to see him._

Carisi stands up when Liv’s office door opens, he mostly means it to talk to Liv, but before he can do anything else he’s face to face with Barba.  Carisi gives him a quick once over. He looks… well. Healthy. He’s put on a few pounds, a few more wrinkles are on his face, but he’s still handsome as ever and looking better than he ever did working with SVU. He’s dressed casually, in a nice knit sweater and dark jeans.

“Detective Carisi,” Barba says, stiffly. 

“Actually, it’s ADA, now,” Carisi says, somewhat reflexively. 

Barba starts. “Oh. Well done.” 

Carisi nods. He opens his mouth to say something else, when Liv clears her throat. 

“Carisi, is there something you wanted to speak with me about? Rafael was just on his way out,” she says. 

“Yes, Captain, I do. I just… could you give me one moment with Mr. Barba?” 

“Sure. You know where to find me, Carisi.” Liv gives him a knowing look, and then quietly closes the door to her office. 

Carisi turns and goes straight to the break room, waiting until Barba follows him before shutting the door and closing the blinds. He places his briefcase on one of the flimsy plastic chairs in front of them. Barba stands opposite him, the table an unintended barrier between them. 

Sonny has a million things flooding his mind right now, all of them bursting to be said. Instead he settles on: "Why?" 

“Why are you back here, Rafael?” 

Barba startles at the use of his first name. He looks at Carisi with something Carisi can’t place. Something a mix of hurt and regret and... hope. 

“I… came back to Manhattan because I got a job as a human rights lawyer, working with a nonprofit based in Midtown. And I thought I might stop by my old office and say hello,” Barba says. “I missed you, Sonny,” he adds, much softer. 

“You left me, Raf. That was your choice. Not mine,” Sonny says, sharply. He’s overcome with anger suddenly. “It’s awfully fuckin’ bold of you to waltz in here expecting me to take you back —” 

“I don’t expect you to —”

“Oh really? Then why the fuck —” Sonny’s voice breaks, he can’t help it. “Why did you leave me, Raf? No explanation, radio silence for six fucking _months_. Did our life together mean nothing to you?” Sonny looks at Raf, tears clouding his vision, threatening to spill over. 

Sonny sniffles, wiping his tears away quickly, angrily. Raf doesn’t say anything for a long moment and it makes Sonny angrier. 

“Sonny… I left because I’d done something unspeakable. And I couldn’t even figure out why I did it. But now I’m able to get past it and move on with my life.” 

“Why did you have to go? Why couldn’t we have gotten past it together? As a couple,” Sonny says, his voice still shaky. His anger is fading, into what, Sonny can't tell yet. 

“I — I don’t know, but I couldn’t do it. I felt like I had no choice but to go. Of course you meant something to me, you meant everything to me. I just… I’m sorry, Sonny. I’m so sorry, for all the pain and hurt and stress I’ve caused you.” 

Sonny sniffles again and gives Raf a small nod. His anger is gone, now sadness and hurt. Now it’s fading to something else, something familiar. He takes a deep breath and walks over to Raf’s side of the table, standing just within his personal space. He gives him a small smile. 

“I... forgive you,” he says. Sonny knows he may never understand why Rafael did what he did but he still loves Rafael. And he knows if they are both willing, they could still make this work, somehow, but he knows they can. 

Raf looks up at him and smiles. “I was never asking, but, thank you, Sonny.” 

Sonny wants to reach out and touch him, just a hand on his arm or something small like that, but he doesn’t. He gives him another smile and nod. His tears clear up and he looks at Raf clearly. 

“Do you think you’d want to grab some dinner with me tonight?” Sonny asks, quietly. 

“Are you asking me out, Assistant District Attorney?” Raf says, cocking an eyebrow. 

There he is, the Raf that Sonny fell in love with. Sonny can’t help but laugh. The familiarity of the situation brings a warm feeling to Sonny, coming from the depths of his chest and spreading all throughout his body. This is what he's missed, this is who he's missed. 

“I am, former counselor, I am.” 

“I’ll meet you at your office then,” Raf says with a smile. Sonny nods, still laughing a bit. He walks Raf out of the precinct, not quite ready to go into work just yet. At the elevator, right before he gets in, Rafael turns to Sonny. “I’m proud of you,” he says. “For becoming an ADA.” 

It takes Sonny by surprise. Heat rushes to his cheeks and Raf is stepping into the elevator when he thinks of a smart remark. “Well, I happened to learn from the best.”

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't watched svu since they wrote barba off, except for one episode where i saw that carisi was made an ADA so then i wrote this as part of my daily nanowrimo prompts (the prompt was "You left me. That was your choice. Not mine.") and it's just been sitting on my computer so i figured some of y'all might wanna read this! hope you enjoyed! <3


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